Loneliness is an experience we all have felt. It could be described as an uncomfortable sensation that usually comes with negative thoughts. Is something we suddenly can start feeling, and even become ashamed of be experiencing it.

In this article you will understand the biological hardwire behind what makes humans experience loneliness and why it can be seen as a "Paradox": A mechanism that drives us away but also pulls us back to the social world. At the end you will learn some actionable steps you can take to overcome loneliness. 

Before we dive deeper into this subject, it is important to differentiate social isolation from loneliness. Social isolation is when a person has few or no social interactions, while loneliness is how the person feels about the quality and frequency of their social interactions. Therefore, a person that has few social interactions does not necessarily feels lonely.  

Feeling Loneliness is Subjective 

A person needs to feel happy about the quantity (number of interactions) and the quality (enjoyment of this interactions) to feel fulfilled. If a person is not satisfied with one or the other, they can start feeling lonely. 

Why our Brains Make us Feel Loneliness? 

The answer could be ingrained in our DNA. Our brain is built in a way that sets an alarm when we are lacking the necessary social interactions that can secure our survival. We are social beings and our existence depends on how well we function as a group. Sometimes we can feel loneliness creeping in, it feels as if something is wrong and uncomfortable. We could even start questioning how likeable we are, or assume people around us do not want to mix with us. 

It can be Harder to Socialise When Feeling Loneliness

Research on the biology of social connection has found that experiencing loneliness can lead to an hyperalert state. It can make a person feel stressed, worried, and alarmed, creating a sense of danger. This seems to be related with the fact that this could be perceived as a threatening situation, it means we have been separated from our group and now we are more vulnerable. It looks like our brain says "if we have separated from the group, it means we are not safe, I need to be careful".

How it Can Make us Seek Out Social Interaction?

Since the lack of desired social isolation leads to such strong feelings, we can consider it as one of our biological needs that cannot be ignored. For instance, hunger is another biological need that when not fulfilled it leads to stress and aggressiveness. However, hunger can makes us take action and try to find food, the same way loneliness also makes us take action and start socialising until we feel "satiated". 

Therefore, although feeling loneliness can lead to irritability and worry, it also mobilises us to socialise and find a group to dissipate loneliness' uncomfortable emotional state. 

Loneliness Can Lead to Depression

Things get complicated when our intentions to socialise are fruitless. If we do not find the amount and kind of social interaction we expect, depression starts to grow making it more difficult to find the energy and motivation to put effort into socialising. At this point seeing a professional in mental health is recommended.

How to Navigate and Overcome Loneliness?

Interestingly, as humans we tend to give meaning to our feelings, and the experience of loneliness could feel shameful, making us believe there is something wrong with us or our social environment. This can actually makes us feel the people around us are less approachable than they really are. 

Now that we know this, we can prevent loneliness from developing into a depression or generalised anxiety. 

Actionable Steps to Navigate and Overcome loneliness:

Acknowledge that it is a normal part of our existence: Not everyone lives in small communities any more, many of us live in big cities with busy lives. Social interactions wont be as frequent and satisfying as we would like to, and our brains are going to react to it, trying to keep us integrated in a group. 

Recognise the number of social interaction you actually need: Maybe you realise that 1 or 2 meetings with friends and family a week/month are enough to feel fulfilled, and more than that can make you feel overwhelmed. Or maybe you find out that more frequent social activities actually make you feel better. 

Reflect on the kind of social interactions that bring you joy: Maybe you are a person that is happy with some short and casual conversations, or you prefer a quiet evening with friends playing boardgames. It is good to venture other ways to relate with the social world, but knowing what aligns more with your personality and needs can be helpful to not frustrated about not having an "ideal social life".  

Familiarise more with the people you see frequently: Probably you see some familiar faces on your day-to-day activities (when you go shopping, exercising, work, etc.) but never tried to exchange few words. Next time you see them, smile, say hi and maybe ask them some questions, be a bit more curious about them. Turns out that the sense of familiarity makes our brain feel at ease and more willing to socialise.  

Embrace rejection: If things don't go as planned, don't take it personally, you wont match with everyone, and not everyone is willing to have a chat, but a lot of people will be willing to have a conversation if approached sensibly and respectfully. So, give it a go, complement people's outfit, be curious and ask questions if something in them is interesting, approach people you do not know, be open to others. 

As we learned, it is important that we feel connected to the people around us. Putting effort into socialising is the only way that the uncomfortable feeling of loneliness can dissipate. Human connection is something that has to be practiced, it can feel messy, but is one of the most fulfilling experiences we have access to. 

Probably you have considered yourself or others to be introverts, and you probably have associated with it traits such as quiet, distant, timid, and so on. However, neuroscience has shown us that introversion can be understood mainly from the amount of social interaction a person needs rather than the quality of their social skills. 

What is the difference between an extrovert and an introvert, then?

Let's see how Jim, an introvert, and Katie, an extrovert, behave and feel when they both go to the same party. 

Jim arrives at 8 pm, he was looking forward to seeing his friends and meeting new people. He approaches two of his work friends and starts chatting. He feels joy while interacting, there is an internal increase of dopamine, making him still feel motivated to continue interacting and enjoying the evening. After three more interactions, he feels satisfied, his brain has released enough dopamine and now is depleted. He is ready to leave at 10 pm, but he feels guilty for leaving so early, so he stays longer. By 11 pm Jim feels tired, and not willing to keep the same effort to socialise, he retreats and becomes more quiet. He considers it's been enough for today and makes a move to go home, making numerous excuses to justify wanting to leave so early. 

On the other hand, Katie arrives at 8pm, she was looking forward to seeing her friends and meet new people. She approaches two of her work friends and starts chatting. She feels joy while interacting, there is an internal increase of dopamine, making her feel motivated to continue interacting and enjoying the evening. After three more interactions, she does not feel satisfied, her brain has not released enough dopamine and needs to continue engaging socially to feel fulfilled. By 10 pm she is not ready to leave, she can stay longer as she still feels energised. By 11 pm she says bye to Jim and decides to stay. At 1 am she felt tired and fulfilled, ready to go home without feeling she missed out on socialising as she noticed most people were also leaving.

As you can see, Jim and Katie are both sociable and willing to engage in social events, finding enjoyment in them. However, the amount of social interactions they need is different, and this is due to not only their personalities but also their physiological differences. Jim seems to release a greater amount of dopamine when socialising, making him feel fulfilled quicker. On the other hand, Katie seems to gain a smaller amount of dopamine when interacting socially, making her wanting to seek more interactions for a longer period. 

This difference does not mean that Katie is more fun than Jim, or that Jim is antisocial and unconsiderate. They just operate differently for different reasons, they both have adapted to their social world in a way that better works for their personalities and physiology. 

However, it is important for you to know that we are not stuck into one extreme or the other, the reality is that we can be an in between, or feel more introverted or extroverted in different stages of our lives. These qualities can change and are adaptations that are the product of the interaction between our personalities and the social context we are immersed in during an extended period of time. 

This might seem a bit technical to be a practical piece of information, nevertheless, it is important that you listen to the internal signs that your body is manifesting. Everyone is different, we live and engage with the world in different ways and they are all valid. There is no need to perform in ways that feel more socially acceptable if they go against who we are.